fishies

(no subject)

I could’ve died last night. Oncoming cars. Who can see me? My knee hurts, and my shoulder. My shoulder always hurts.

I don’t know. I’m not proud of how I acted last night. I guess I can’t be out of control and control everything at the same time. I wanted to be alone with her. I want something real. I feel a bit like I’m just going through the motions. I like her, but she’s not staying. What am I doing? I’m all over the place. She seems very independent. I don’t actually know her that well. Malleable. One day, she’ll just be gone. The disadvantages of living on an island. We don’t actually have a great connection. She’s just smart and pleasant and attractive and idk she seems to like hanging out with me and i dunno i guess i’m just desperate.

I thought I had more thoughts, something deeper, but I guess this is all I am right now. A vague concern that when I’m in an actual relationship, I’m going to be a bit controlling. I don’t know. I feel like I’m pretty good at being magnanimous, but I’m not holding on to anything. Slip right away. Float on.

fishies

(no subject)

"Writing to you should be like screaming into a thunderstorm, or like lying with you on a hillside i Prague. It should be huge and hopeless, or almost-silently intimate."
fishies

(no subject)

i gave a lecture in my dream. i had a fan. she nestled down on a sleeping bag to study her notes, told me everything's a [synonym]. I'm pretty sure my lecture said everything's a [homonym], but I can't remember! maybe it was 'there are always two,' but that's centipedes. i was huge and dark. when I came back though there was only a toilet. or something...
fishies

(no subject)

why not recuse oneself to smaller collectives? because of the challenge of a society so complex we can never see it all? but can we ever really see it all? because it's not about control, at least on an intellectual level. and that's what a smaller community provides (esp. good economical, agriculturally, imholollurtung). it's about associating with everyone, putting your ideas out there for the whole world.

so educationally, smaller communities might be better b/c more members can be part of the teaching act. idk tho. i mean, i believe in that. maybe i'm just fighting for the status quo b/c it's easier. kids should be raised aught communally and the internet allows sharing with the world.

i guess the question is if the communal structure allows for social stagnation and, consequently, intellectual stagnation. you stay in your commune (b/c really that's what i'm talking about) and you focus on living well together, educating the kids, but does it take away from the goal of contributing to the global community. can we reflect on the world if we focus so intently on only our small part?